Tunnelvision

Taking an undeserved break from researching for my postmodernism presentation (due tomorrow) and final paper (due I forget), that's what I'm doing yep yep. I'm finding myself short on everything these days, not least of all time. There's a hypocrisy about the length of my fuse that I'm considering with a sort of resolved sadness; I can't take what I give a good amount of the time. My self-awareness somehow falls short of understanding how I am at times a pretty fucked-up friend, and bad habits are hard to uproot when they wear flowers on their heads.

MAN am I ever (sometimes) supremely envious of nihilists!

I fear that I see things with terrible sort of paranoid distortion. It makes it super hard to tell when something is something I should worry about and when something is something I'm only worried about because I'm worried I am supposed to be worrying about it.

What's with this nagging fear of obsolescence I've picked up recently? I feel I've moved on from the stage of psychosocial development that I was hung up on for, LIKE, forever and now I've entered one a whole lot scarier and its lousy and blah blah blah I'm still the narcissistic whelp I've always been don't fret about that!

My problem isn't that I can't see straight but that I can only see straight, like I have this autistic inability to focus on stimuli, positive or negative, from more than a handful of things. So while I'm busy biting my nails over some shit only I'm worried about I'm losing contact with the orbiting periphery.

And I wonder if, in a grand stroke of irony, all of this would go away if I chilled the fuck out and got my shit together. I just want to feel less sometimes, or figure out how to stop burning my hand on cooking fires.